Dear
Robin van Persie,
Let
me start by saying how much I admire your skill and everything you do for
Arsenal. I especially enjoyed the three goals you scored against those Chelsea
plonkers. In fact, admire is not a strong enough word.
Is
there a word to adequately describe how excited I get every time you set foot
on the pitch? I highly doubt it. And even if there was a word, it’d probably
require parental consent and a drop cloth.
I’d
also like to thank you for remaining uninjured so far this season. If you were
to find yourself unable to play for some reason, there’s a pretty good chance
it would result in several mass suicides and at least three city bombings. And
this has got me thinking…
Now
most fans would take this opportunity to ask you for an autograph, or perhaps a
signed t-shirt. But most fans are not as street savvy or dedicated as yours
truly. As such, I would like to make only the tiniest of requests: a small
amount of your sperm.
At
this point normally, I imagine you’d be adding my name to a list of people not
allowed within 100 yards of you, but hear me out. This is a purely practical
request.
I
like to think of the future and judging by the season you’re having, by the end
of it, there’s a good chance your sperm could well be one of the most valuable
liquids in the world, right after printer ink. As such, I could make a lot of
money by selling it to the right people.
The
promise of your bastards is too great an opportunity for the avid fan to miss
out. Also, I’m fairly convinced I could sell your swimmers during the transfer
window for more than most of the players themselves will go for. Worst case
scenario, I’m fairly certain I could have fertility clinics lining up for hours
to get hold of your goods.
Whilst
I do find you very attractive with your fantastic Dutch hair and your
miraculous left foot, I admire your commitment to your family and would never
disturb that.
I
would simply like the opportunity to ensure that your talent lives on in the
form of several hundred illegitimate children.
Your
biggest fan
Shelley J. Pembroke
Via: http://goo.gl/yG1ZY
